I caught myself today.
Trying to be 'right'. The right facilitator for you.
Rightly conscious. And successful so that you'll like me. Approve of me. Want to pay me.
I didn't know I was doing it.
It took an entirely unrelated chain of events to show me what I was choosing.
I had to look at 'death as my back door' to get there.
But there it is.
Gary Douglas did a call the other day that he called The Contribution Call.
We all got really inspired pre-call and a few thousand of us jumped on live.
Gary, finally asking for contribution!! Gary, saying that he was asking for something once that he would never ask for again, got all of us like... ????
And then it came out of his mouth:
the biggest contribution we could be for him was to begin making the choices that created more consciousness.
Tears streamed down my face.
The gratitude that poured out of other people's mouths after he asked caused even more.
He wanted us to make...
I've been sort of walking around the house the last couple of days wondering about a person's easiest choice.
It's a phrase that Stephanie threw out there like it was everyday conversation a few months ago, and it's just been rolling around in my world.
"What's his easiest choice?"
"What's my easiest choice?"
It's a question where you 'want' to think that the answer to it is something 'good' but where the answer is usually something more along the lines of unhappiness. Anger. Poverty. Despair. Failure.
When I first started looking there, I truly didn't want to know what mine or anyone elses' easiest choices were.
Ugh! Brutal! Who wants to know that stuff?!
You can't un-see stuff after you see it and what was I going to do with all that awareness??
And anyway - isn't 'being positive' and 'asking for the possibilities' what we want to do here?
For what reason would we spend any time looking at all...
I heard Gary Douglas use the phrase once, 'the gift of decay'.
And it struck me in a way few things had.
Having spent five full years as a landscape designer, I'd spent my fair share of them somewhere down in the dirt. They were my favorite hours, bringing to life the lines on a page I'd drawn in an office somewhere, and getting to feel my hands in the cool dirt and taste the richness of Earth as it entered through my nose across my tongue.
That earth, that dirt, was a blend of dead things. Bugs, leaves, branches, roots, things I've yet to name. And the more in it that was already dead, the richer it became.
I never thought to compare myself and my life to dirt until today.
Yesterday, I spent a fair bit of the day looking for where I was wrong in changing all the things, and one in particular, until my sweet friend looked at me and called me out on it.
"You keep looking for where you're wrong!"
She was right.
As much as I'd facilitated everyone and...
I saw my mother for the first time in awhile yesterday.
And I went into it ready to... whatever!
But definitely ready to use the tools.
And one of the things I've been really practicing, when I'm around these super trigger-ish people for me, is staying in and having and choosing, my reality.
Now, that is an interesting practice, as my reality isn't solid or one thing, and it has nothing to do with stating my truth or any of that stuff.
It's an energetic practice, most of all.
A practice where I don't go into their head or their world, trying to find out where I'm wrong.
You know that moment? When their face goes a little funny or the energy of the whatever changes, and all of a sudden you're in there, trying to sort out 'what went wrong'?
Which is always, always, always the place where you're trying to find what YOU did wrong?
Yea. I stayed out of that.
And what I really practiced was just being with them. Just as they are. And being interesting point of...
My life changes all the time.
I change clothes, underwear, points of view... and people.
I happen to have been with the same man for almost a year and a half now! But even in the man department, there was awhile where two weeks was a long time.
We're in the process of changing some very key every-day relationships.
The thing that was working has stopped working, and we're in the breaking up phase: not exactly able to move on from our physically proxitive situation, and not incredibly interested (read, not at all) in relating to one another.
I can't tell you exactly what changed it. Just more that, after a thing, it did. Change.
And for me, it's been a few months of getting a whole TON more clarity on what is.
What is for me. What is in regards to them.
Seeing the is-ness instead of seeing the projection that someone else wants you to see or that I'd rather see.
So, you know - good, bad and ugly.
And this morning, after a 10-second interchange...
It was early when I opened her email this morning.
I recognized her email address from a comment that I'd received on my YouTube video the other day. She was - is - a beautiful creator.
I'm new to you, but have been enjoying some of your YouTube videos over the last couple of days. One of those videos are your business accelerator.
Anyway, I wonder what your thought is related to offering too much free information out in the world - you do SoundCloud, a radio show, FB videos, youtube videos and so on - so that you're giving it all away and therefore not attracting people to sign up, because they're filled with all the free information offered?
I smiled when I read it and then answered with one line:
The more I give away, the more I make.
Everything is the opposite of what it appears to be and nothing is the opposite of what it appears to be.
The more I do business my way the more I get how weird it is. How weird I am. How...
My dad had one room in our house that was his. And it had a lock on it.
In that room was his computer.
We weren't an outside family. Or at least, the four of us older ones weren't.
All of us - my dad, mom, me and my brother would keep ourselves busy indoors. I took every opportunity I could to cuddle up in a corner somewhere and bury my nose and world in a book. My mom would take care of kids, teach piano lessons and run errands. And he would lock himself in his computer room.
The lock made that room the one room I wanted to be in more than anything.
When the door was open, I'd watch him work.
He coded things. I have no idea in what language. The coding wasn't that interesting to me. What was interesting to me was the feel and sound of those keys. And the idea that you could create stuff out of them.
He had a few games on there that he would let me and my brother play. The one with the paddle and the ball...
I am always looking at different online programs to add to what I'm creating online. To educate myself. Etc.
And today, I had this Facebook Messenger interview with a lady who runs a program, who says they can help me double my profits and half the effort.
I look at a lot of these programs. I've even purchased some of them!
And so at this point, they have to have a different kind of energy to them for me to choose them, and this one did.
Everything was going spaciously until she started to ask me questions.
HER: So the first question I have for you is pretty straightforward. What's going on in your business that made it important for you to take the time to chat with me today? What’s so broken and in need of fixing that it couldn’t wait?
Egads. I could see the agenda from a million miles away.
Really?? We were doing this?
I just couldn’t.
ME: Ahhh. Well, in truth - it’s not broken. I love my business. AND,...
I wrote you a love letter with lots of links. It will be like you subscribed to Netflix but with my face all over it.