there was never anything more awkward

Uncategorized Nov 15, 2018
He kept telling me I was wonderful.
 
At a time when I "felt" particularly un-wonderful.
 
Less than wonderful.
Terrible.
Shitty.
Fucked.
Nothing-good-about-me-ever-NO.
 
And the next morning, when he said it again I looked over at him with my most intense
 
Fuck-ME-You're-the-stupidest-person-on-the-planet-go-DIE look.
 
He just sat there and grinned.
 
Like a fucking puppy.
 
He might as well have been wagging his tail and panting in my general direction
 
And I looked back over to the steering wheel and finally heard myself.
 
I wasn't willing to receive any of it, at ALL.
 
He was beaming at me and I was wishing him dead.
 
Thankfully, for the world , that month I was in the middle of about 4 live Access classes, and that morning, I got up to the microphone to ask about this 'wonderful' thing.
 
"Gary, I realized I haven't been receiving this at all!! How do...
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What choices could you make that would make your classes grow?

success Oct 22, 2018
I watched a new show on Netflix last night called Three Wives, One Husband.
 
I don't know what it is about those plural marriage shows, but they hook me like a train wreck and I can't look away.
 
And, this one really is different.
 
It's less side-show-oddity and more this-is-what-is-for-these-people.
 
It really warmed me.
 
The part that really struck me was everyone's acknowledgement that this way of living was a choice.
 
Women that were considering being a third wife in a family courted the entire family for months at a time. They looked at the choice they were making. Considered the futures it would create.
 
Widows who had told their dying husband that they would consider his brothers as first choices for next-husbands met with the already-families and wives and everyone together looked honestly at what it would change.
 
And the ones that were committed to it, were willing to succeed at it, no matter...
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PESJR's: or that time I destroyed my marriage

Uncategorized Oct 13, 2018
"There just isn't any emotional intimacy," I said, looking into the eyes of a deeply caring stranger in the garden centre where I worked.
 
Now this stranger and I had admittedly gotten into a very deep conversation over the tops of the shrubs - it wasn't my everyday conversation.  
 
But the words out of me couldn't have been truer for me at that moment.  I truly did have that point of view, and it was eating me up inside, and I was using it to destroy my marriage.
 
My second marriage was one fight, one tear-fest after another.
 
And while I can look back now and see EXACTLY what it was that created it, at the time, I was grasping at whatever straws I had and fighting for what I thought was right.
 
I always FELT wrong, but somewhere, somehow, I was sure that I was right. About the wrong.  Trying to be right.
 
It was fucked.
 
Right and wrong had just gotten me into difficulty after wrongness after rightness after...
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a very un-Thanksgiving blog

gratitude Oct 07, 2018

I never really got it when Gary, Dain or anyone else would talk about receiving the gift of me.

Well, tomorrow is the Canadian Thanksgiving.

And being down in the States now, I almost forgot.  

But I got to chatting with my friend Maxine and the aromas of apple and turkey coming from her kitchen in Ontario stirred me, and it got me started musing about gratitude.

Gratitude has always and only ever been a concept to me until very recently.

I've done it and made the lists.

I've felt guilty for not being grateful.

I've sat around Thanksgiving dinner tables and said what I was grateful for.

But in truth, it always seemed like this key to a kingdom that I was just not destined to find, and sarcasm and cynicism became my basic favorite go-to's.

And then this year, I got to hang out with Stephanie.

That girl is grateful for sunrises, sunsets, doggies, and coffee.  But she's also grateful for lying! And discovering limitations! And small, ridiculous choices!

And as we spent...

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Is it men we need to fight against?

feminism Sep 30, 2018
Today, supposedly, we who are card-carrying vagina-havers are supposed to black out our profile pictures to show men what the world would be like without women.
 
The Cavenaugh thing has exploded and once again, women "taking their power" seems to be a thing.
 
To be fair, I've only watched the news just enough to know that the people in power, who happen to have penis's, are moving their agenda forward in whatever way they can.
 
Riding on the back of #metoo, there's a thunderous energetic roar coming from mouths of women around the world: we will not be mistreated anymore!
 
Amin. Amen. You can't treat me that way. Ever. Yes.
 
And, as a card-carrying member of the other set of genitals, I'm really asking some different questions.
 
Are all men the enemies?
 
Is it really men who we need to fight?
 
I know men that abuse women.
And men that abuse men.
I know women that abuse women.
And women that abuse...
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Three days ago, I was someone else.

hiding Aug 24, 2018

I have gotten more messages in the last week than I think I ever have, thanking me for my videos and vulnerability.

But in the last few days, the messages have changed even more to note how much I've changed.

How much more me I am.

And I FEEL it.

I am different inside.

Three days ago, I made a different choice.

And I didn't travel to a big Access class or attend a 7-day.

I did six things:

  • I woke up feeling fucked up and asked myself if I wanted to live there or make a different choice.
  • I made a different choice, instead of staying that way all day.
  • I put on the audio of an Access class: Happiness is Just a Choice.
  • I really, really acknowledged just how fucking aware I really am.
  • I made the choice to have my reality of happiness no matter who was around me or what I was aware of.
  • I got to work.

Creating a totally different reality is a conversation I've heard since the moment I started listening to Access Consciousness stuff.

I totally didn't get it.

At first, I thought it meant...

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Wrong facilitator for you

Uncategorized Jul 30, 2018

 I caught myself today.

Trying to be 'right'.  The right facilitator for you.

Rightly conscious.  And successful so that you'll like me.  Approve of me.  Want to pay me.

I didn't know I was doing it.

It took an entirely unrelated chain of events to show me what I was choosing.

I had to look at 'death as my back door' to get there.   

But there it is.


Gary Douglas did a call the other day that he called The Contribution Call.

We all got really inspired pre-call and a few thousand of us jumped on live.

Gary, finally asking for contribution!!  Gary, saying that he was asking for something once that he would never ask for again, got all of us like... ????

And then it came out of his mouth: 

the biggest contribution we could be for him was to begin making the choices that created more consciousness.

Tears streamed down my face.

The gratitude that poured out of other people's mouths after he asked caused even more.

He wanted us to make...

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What's your easiest choice with money? Some? None? Less than that?

money Jul 02, 2018

I've been sort of walking around the house the last couple of days wondering about a person's easiest choice. 

Any person's. 
Yours.
His.
Mine. 

It's a phrase that Stephanie threw out there like it was everyday conversation a few months ago, and it's just been rolling around in my world.

"What's his easiest choice?"

"What's my easiest choice?"

It's a question where you 'want' to think that the answer to it is something 'good' but where the answer is usually something more along the lines of unhappiness.  Anger.  Poverty.  Despair.  Failure.

When I first started looking there, I truly didn't want to know what mine or anyone elses' easiest choices were.

Ugh!  Brutal!  Who wants to know that stuff?!

You can't un-see stuff after you see it and what was I going to do with all that awareness??

And anyway - isn't 'being positive' and 'asking for the possibilities' what we want to do here?

For what reason would we spend any time looking at all...

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What if endings were a beginning?

change endings Jun 14, 2018

I heard Gary Douglas use the phrase once, 'the gift of decay'.

And it struck me in a way few things had.

Having spent five full years as a landscape designer, I'd spent my fair share of them somewhere down in the dirt.  They were my favorite hours, bringing to life the lines on a page I'd drawn in an office somewhere, and getting to feel my hands in the cool dirt and taste the richness of Earth as it entered through my nose across my tongue.

That earth, that dirt, was a blend of dead things.  Bugs, leaves, branches, roots, things I've yet to name.  And the more in it that was already dead, the richer it became.

I never thought to compare myself and my life to dirt until today.

Yesterday, I spent a fair bit of the day looking for where I was wrong in changing all the things, and one in particular, until my sweet friend looked at me and called me out on it.

"You keep looking for where you're wrong!"

She was right.  

As much as I'd facilitated everyone and...

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What would you like to change?

Uncategorized May 23, 2018
The thing about starting to create your life is that no one can validate it for you.
 
Does creating *your* life ever feel like staring at a blank white wall that you've just been told that you can do *anything* with?
 
I have some very strange friends who think that is fun
 
But for a LONG time, I DREADED that blank wall.
 
I filled my time w/ jobs that I could both resist and follow, relationships that were at least predictable and safe, uniforms that gave me the one colour I knew was okay to wear....
 
SO many things that would give me the permission to not-choose.
 
The thing is that the longer I go - the more I travel - the more 'blank' the wall gets and the more I'm getting that all it takes to 'fill' it is to choose in that moment.
 
And then it clears itself and the next moment, I get to choose again.
 
And as we go, all of those choices create the future... and my life.
 
I had a really...
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I'm so excited we get to stay in touch!

I wrote you a love letter with lots of links.  It will be like you subscribed to Netflix but with my face all over it.