I walked out of my condo today, earbuds in and swelled up with gratitude and of it all.
I used to play in the worship band at my very cool, movie-theatre church.
And lately that energy and desire to be in it and create more of it in the world has been taking me over.
I've been blaring the Modern Worship channel on Google Play Music like it's oxygen.
And so with "just be loved" playing deep into my ears and the tears rising in my eyes, I realized that this was what I wanted to tell you today.
That right in the fray and chaos of everything changing... right in the middle of the unknown and the uncomfort of everything you are that you have no idea how to be yet...
...that you are still surrounded.
As I was standing at the elevator feeling this flash of "I'm so alone," I instantly asked who it belonged to... and got this sweeping sense of all of it. Not mine. And totally present.
"Just be loved", playing in my ears, I...
I thought life was supposed to be fair. :)
But no one else in the world listened to what I thought it should be.
They kept just being what they were being with no thought at all to what I thought should be.
And so what I learned is that it doesn't matter what is going on....
-- things changing suddenly.
-- you feeling blindsided.
-- you feeling victimized in some way.
You - I - always have choice.
We both get to choose whether or not we react.
If we react, we get to choose what level of tantrum we throw.
We can really over do it -- state how unfair everything is.
Or we can choose something different.
I am, NOT today, where I've always been.
I've, for most of it, felt victimized by my whole life.
Everything everyone else chose swayed and buffeted me.
I was angry. Sad. Frustrated. And felt like I couldn't do anything about it.
This "choosing something different" has not always been easy for me.
But I got SO sick of being upset all the time.
Financial awareness was supposed to be about getting my receipts in order.
But as I was changing my shirt today, and looking down at the receipts on my floor, I suddenly got that they are actually the smallest piece.
Every day that me and Melanie and Stephanie get together, we open up and look at areas of our life that I had no idea were even related.
What we'd like to create as our future.
The systems we can put in place to support that future.
The people we can add to free us up to create it.
The way of functioning in the world that is us not just playing a role on TV - but being everything that we are in totality.
It's crazy. And amazing :)
Who or what could you add to your life today that would begin to actualize a totally different future right away?
Did you know that if you're frustrated in any process, that you are very likely missing information?
We found SO much more info today that is gonna make this financial process so much more fun.
It seems that choosing to create things leads to asking more questions so that you can create it!
Did you know that keeping your books isn't just because you HAVE to?
Or so you can pay your taxes?
It also seems that if you're willing to be saavy, those numbers can also speak sweet somethings in your ear.
So, Day 4 of this financial awareness journey finds me on a rock :)
Sometimes sitting ON the earth settles things for me.
And one of the biggest awarenesses I"m having, post-rock, is how much I tend to go to the not-fun of something, rather than the wondering about the how-can-it-be-fun of something!
Stephanie, Melanie, and I had an amazing money meeting this morning, and Steph really opened my awareness up to the possibilities of knowing my numbers, rather than the drudgery of having to produce them.
And I carried that awareness in with me to my meeting with the accountant... and will wonder some more about systems when I meet with the bookkeeper...
But I'll leave you with this:
What if your business numbers could give you information that could incite and invite you to create differently and more?
It turns out my point of view about sorting receipts is exactly the same point of view I have about boiling water.
While I was boiling water for coffee this morning, it occurred to be that I would be hungry later, and I thought to boil water for pasta as well, so that I could just toss the noodles together with sauce later.
Immediately my mind went to "Ugh. That takes too long."
Which is when I realized that that was the same point of view I had about my receipts.
Which was why they were still on my bedroom floor.
The truth was, it only took about 10 minutes to boil pasta water, and while it was boiling, I made my coffee, answered some emails, wet and dried my hair, and made a video.
It truly was - just a point of view.
Gary Douglas talks about writing a book in 20 min a day segments.
And that if you continually do that, the book will be written.
How much do I procrastinate doing the things that will get things done while making myself wrong for the procrastinating while not doing...
It doesn't look like just one video a day is actually going to work for me. :)
Because I was showering, and realizing I needed more of a map of how my money could flow to make it more ease on me.
And as I drew it, it became more clear about where I could get more clear.
Please! If you know anything else about this, YOU draw me a map!
And Day 2.5 and counting.... onwards!! :)
I recently had dinner with a friend and her husband who never let their checking account get below something like $50 million dollars.
I was like, what?!
And then I went to all the reasons and justifications for THEM being able to do that and NOT me.
That's when I realized I had another choice.
I started really looking at my financial reality and in the last several weeks, really actively started asking what it would take to change it.
My current financial reality is: it's ok with me if my bank account gets to $0.
Because.... I know I can create more.
It's ok with me to rack up my credit cards.
Because..... I know I can outcreate that.
I'd never looked at how much I'd hemmed myself in with all my reasons and unwillingness to look at them.
What if $10K in my acounnt was the baseline instead of $0?
What if, having a system for receipts, and a bookkeeper and an accountant that know how to work with "people like me", adds more to my life?
I wonder. :)
When I was 14, I tried out for the swim team at my high school.
I'd been swimming since I could walk, but those try outs were nerve wracking.
And I was not a popular kid. I tried hard to be a wallflower, because to be anything else meant sticking out and getting made fun of.
So, when I made the team, I was shocked. And incredibly excited.
I remember loving the work of our swim practices. I was a good swimmer, and they were hard. And I was tired after. And they made me stretch and grow.
But I liked to forget that we were practicing towards the goal of competing.
And when I got "cast" in my first meet, I wasn't just a one-man show. I was part of a 4 person relay.
I had four other people and a whole team behind me, counting on me to not screw up.
I truly don't remember exactly how I felt in that moment, and on that day. I remember a great deal of stress.
We'd been practicing a ton.
Diving off the block.
Touching the timpad at the end of every lap to make sure our times were...
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