I never really got it when Gary, Dain or anyone else would talk about receiving the gift of me.
Well, tomorrow is the Canadian Thanksgiving.
And being down in the States now, I almost forgot.
But I got to chatting with my friend Maxine and the aromas of apple and turkey coming from her kitchen in Ontario stirred me, and it got me started musing about gratitude.
Gratitude has always and only ever been a concept to me until very recently.
I've done it and made the lists.
I've felt guilty for not being grateful.
I've sat around Thanksgiving dinner tables and said what I was grateful for.
But in truth, it always seemed like this key to a kingdom that I was just not destined to find, and sarcasm and cynicism became my basic favorite go-to's.
And then this year, I got to hang out with Stephanie.
That girl is grateful for sunrises, sunsets, doggies, and coffee. But she's also grateful for lying! And discovering limitations! And small, ridiculous choices!
And as we spent...
I have gotten more messages in the last week than I think I ever have, thanking me for my videos and vulnerability.
But in the last few days, the messages have changed even more to note how much I've changed.
How much more me I am.
And I FEEL it.
I am different inside.
Three days ago, I made a different choice.
And I didn't travel to a big Access class or attend a 7-day.
I did six things:
Creating a totally different reality is a conversation I've heard since the moment I started listening to Access Consciousness stuff.
I totally didn't get it.
At first, I thought it meant...
I caught myself today.
Trying to be 'right'. The right facilitator for you.
Rightly conscious. And successful so that you'll like me. Approve of me. Want to pay me.
I didn't know I was doing it.
It took an entirely unrelated chain of events to show me what I was choosing.
I had to look at 'death as my back door' to get there.
But there it is.
Gary Douglas did a call the other day that he called The Contribution Call.
We all got really inspired pre-call and a few thousand of us jumped on live.
Gary, finally asking for contribution!! Gary, saying that he was asking for something once that he would never ask for again, got all of us like... ????
And then it came out of his mouth:
the biggest contribution we could be for him was to begin making the choices that created more consciousness.
Tears streamed down my face.
The gratitude that poured out of other people's mouths after he asked caused even more.
He wanted us to make...
I've been sort of walking around the house the last couple of days wondering about a person's easiest choice.
It's a phrase that Stephanie threw out there like it was everyday conversation a few months ago, and it's just been rolling around in my world.
"What's his easiest choice?"
"What's my easiest choice?"
It's a question where you 'want' to think that the answer to it is something 'good' but where the answer is usually something more along the lines of unhappiness. Anger. Poverty. Despair. Failure.
When I first started looking there, I truly didn't want to know what mine or anyone elses' easiest choices were.
Ugh! Brutal! Who wants to know that stuff?!
You can't un-see stuff after you see it and what was I going to do with all that awareness??
And anyway - isn't 'being positive' and 'asking for the possibilities' what we want to do here?
For what reason would we spend any time looking at all...
I heard Gary Douglas use the phrase once, 'the gift of decay'.
And it struck me in a way few things had.
Having spent five full years as a landscape designer, I'd spent my fair share of them somewhere down in the dirt. They were my favorite hours, bringing to life the lines on a page I'd drawn in an office somewhere, and getting to feel my hands in the cool dirt and taste the richness of Earth as it entered through my nose across my tongue.
That earth, that dirt, was a blend of dead things. Bugs, leaves, branches, roots, things I've yet to name. And the more in it that was already dead, the richer it became.
I never thought to compare myself and my life to dirt until today.
Yesterday, I spent a fair bit of the day looking for where I was wrong in changing all the things, and one in particular, until my sweet friend looked at me and called me out on it.
"You keep looking for where you're wrong!"
She was right.
As much as I'd facilitated everyone and...
I saw my mother for the first time in awhile yesterday.
And I went into it ready to... whatever!
But definitely ready to use the tools.
And one of the things I've been really practicing, when I'm around these super trigger-ish people for me, is staying in and having and choosing, my reality.
Now, that is an interesting practice, as my reality isn't solid or one thing, and it has nothing to do with stating my truth or any of that stuff.
It's an energetic practice, most of all.
A practice where I don't go into their head or their world, trying to find out where I'm wrong.
You know that moment? When their face goes a little funny or the energy of the whatever changes, and all of a sudden you're in there, trying to sort out 'what went wrong'?
Which is always, always, always the place where you're trying to find what YOU did wrong?
Yea. I stayed out of that.
And what I really practiced was just being with them. Just as they are. And being interesting point of...