the true possibility of pain

Uncategorized Mar 20, 2019

He looked straight into my eyes, with tears in his everything, and told me what she had done to him.

His mother, the one who was supposed to be his safe place, had not been.  And 50 years later, it was still the thing that defined him.

It was the 'why' of his Instagram.  The reason for his alcoholism.  And the thing he 'shared' with me so that I could understand him. 

He thought.

The thing is that I have really changed something fundamental about myself that makes someone 'sharing' this with me a very different experience for them.

Emotional pain was my constant companion until not that long ago.

My story about my pain (sexual abuse, emotional abuse) was just something that was.  It defined me, shaped me, created the filters through which I saw the world.

I had accepted it.  I lived with it, as it, and just.... dealt with it.

Access Consciousness was the first place where I was introduced to looking at it and questioning it.

It had never occurred to me to question it. Why would you?

Isn't pain just... an 'is'? 

You just ARE sad... right? 
You just have physical pain... right? 
You just are depressed.
Your knees just.. hurt.  It's the barometric pressure.  The weather.  It's fine.

But IS it any of that?

I was never taught to wonder.

Feelings just... were.  In fact, they were the things I was supposed to have to be a 'healthy person'.  A person with no feelings was sociopathic and lord knows, I didn't want to be that, so I made sure I had plenty!

And physical pain was just a reality of life.   Something to notice and medicate or fix: NOT something to wonder about.

I never wondered.

And so, I stayed in pain.  Dull levels at times, spiked into the left field at others.  Everyone and their mother were at the sudden effect of my pain.

(Lucky bastards.)

I won't go into the whole entire story here, in one blog, because the rest of it is the last five years of my journey with Access and the tools.

I also won't go into abuse, and all the magic that we create when we receive it.  That is a whole other blog and conversation. 

But I will say this: there are some very KEY things that I started to get and use that began to change everything for me into the space of actual happiness and freedom that I enjoy the shit out of today. 

  1. Nothing is real.  Like.... nothing.
  2. Form and structure and significance are things we do to make things solid, but when you remove them, the 'thing' dissipates.
  3. Pain is awareness.
  4. I am aware.
  5. I am really fucking aware.
  6. Every molecule of my body 'feels' everything around me, and none of it is mine.
  7. I really wanted to hold onto my pain because.....  I did.

Now, really, there are probably 7234 other things that should go on that list, but that list is the thing that I use now that dissipates charge on things almost immediately.

  • When pain, I start to acknowledge what actually is.  NOT what I 'feel' like, is. 
  • When I'm doing it 'feels' like, I'm always trying to come to the conclusion I think is going to set me free.  But it never, ever, ever does the thing.
  • And then I use a tool that creates lightness.  Space. Because anything that's dense and heavy is never real.

I want to invite you to a two-call series with me on this topic, because I can't even begin to touch on it here.  You can check it out and sign up here.

But I also want to invite you to this:

What if trying to fix yourself and fix your pain is starting from an incorrect place?

Science talks bout faulty premises.  When you go 'proving' something in science from a faulty place, the whole proof is invalid.  

The same goes for your life.  When you go to conclusion about something before you've ever wondered anything about it, you stick yourself with it forever.

What if you didn't have to be stuck with your pain?

Who would you be without it? 

Is there anything you've decided you can not or will not change that keeps any or all of it in existence?


Join me on the calls.


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