PESJR's: or that time I destroyed my marriage
Oct 13, 2018
"There just isn't any emotional intimacy," I said, looking into the eyes of a deeply caring stranger in the garden centre where I worked.
Now this stranger and I had admittedly gotten into a very deep conversation over the tops of the shrubs - it wasn't my everyday conversation.
But the words out of me couldn't have been truer for me at that moment. I truly did have that point of view, and it was eating me up inside, and I was using it to destroy my marriage.
My second marriage was one fight, one tear-fest after another.
And while I can look back now and see EXACTLY what it was that created it, at the time, I was grasping at whatever straws I had and fighting for what I thought was right.
I always FELT wrong, but somewhere, somehow, I was sure that I was right. About the wrong. Trying to be right.
It was fucked.
Right and wrong had just gotten me into difficulty after wrongness after rightness after difficulty after tears after yelling.
NOwhere in my world was anyone talking about choosing and doing 'what worked'.
I had 'standards' and 'what a relationship should be like' and whatever I had decided caring was, running like a herd of wild, crazed horses through me.
I remember the exact moment someone suggested that I had too many expectations; because somewhere (everywhere) in my body in that moment, I was indignant. Offended.
This was way pre-Access Consciousness tools, and I just looked at them and thought,
"Maybe YOU have no standards, but I DO. He's just gonna have to get over it and CHANGE."
And that is what I knew to do at the time. Feel my feelings, and ask for my needs to be met. DeMAND that they be met. That he change. Because ME!!! FEELINGS!!
If he didn't, I would know he didn't care. And if he did, he cared.
Lemme tell ya - this was working SO well! 😱
ALL of our difficulty - and I mean ALL of it - was either distractor implants or PESJR's.
PESJRs = projections | expectations | separations | judgments | rejections
I projected and expected CONSTANTLY.
That he should be like me.
That the things he did should make sense to me.
That he should consult me for major things - LIKE CUTTING DOWN TREES. That when he didn't it meant something. About me. About us.
That he should be closer to me emotionally. Like my closest girlfriends and I were.
That he should talk to me. Like they did.
That he should want what I wanted.
And if ANY of these weren't there (and they weren't), there was something wrong with the relationship.
So, we constantly had something wrong. Something to talk about - work through.
I was in a constant state of separating, judging him - me - the relationship, and rejecting all of us - all the time.
And literally, the list of things that I had these about could keep going for days. I can't even remember them all now.
But what I DO remember - VIVIDLY - is all the crying and the fighting.
So much so, that I almost killed myself.
I really, really did. I completely got to the end of my rope with knowing how to make anything just... work.
I couldn't make me work in the way that worked for him.
I couldn't make him work for me.
I couldn't seem to be happy in the relationship.
And I definitely didn't know how to be happy, just me.
I had NO idea what to change or how to change it and while trying to be right about every fucking thing, I felt so fucking and terribly wrong.
And THAT is what functioning from PESJR's creates.
This is a crazy, fucking story. True story.
And you may not have this level of extreme that has ever gone on in your life. You may be a way more subtle creator.
But this is why I go on and on about these things and the need to get aware of them and then choose something else.
Because projecting and expecting anything from
-- other people
-- your business
-- your sex life
-- you as a facilitator
-- you as a woman, as a man
-- you about ANYTHING
-- other people about ANYTHING
-- ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING
means you get to separate, judge and reject.
STOP THE INSANITY!! 😂
No, but really.
Anytime you're unhappy about anything, you're functioning from something that isn't you.
P.S. Want to get in deeper with PESJRs? Go here for more.
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