Aleppo & why I can't just sit by anymore

I suppose I'm maybe going through a mid-life crisis of sorts.

I have tears streaming down my face.

I just watched this: 

I don't know what's going on with me lately.

I feel like I'm pulling away from the champagne bubbles of all the traveling and drinking prosecco and the jet-setting I was doing.

There is a huge gratitude I have right now for being home.

And since I've been home, there's been Standing Rock, and now Aleppo... and I've been faced with some really big questions.

I walked around this morning wondering what it was I truly wanted to create with my life.

With my willingness to let all the travel go temporarily, I wondered what else I could choose that I'd never considered.

My freshest thoughts being I could go to Aleppo, I thought!  I could be a volunteer!

I could go to the refugee camps and run Bars and help coordinate aid.

And as I sit here writing this, with tears streaming, I'm destroying and uncreating everywhere I've been the war-monger.  Everywhere where I had a "people" and I watched them die.

It's shifting something.

I'm writing this here because I feel like I can't write nothing.  

And I wonder about us.

Our world.

I wonder about me.  And why I chose such a time as this.  Why I chose this body and this country and this time.

I don't try to figure it out anymore.  What it will look like.

But I am looking at everywhere I can infuse this level of caring in to whatever it is I'm creating.

I'm wondering in every 10 seconds if "this" is what I want to be choosing or if it's something else.

I'm stopping the incessant comparing I've been doing to everyone else I know who does this work.

And I'm starting to really ask ME what I truly desire.

To create.  To change.  To contribute to.

Choice changes things.  I can choose.  

I can choose.

I can choose.

Choose.

~C