a very un-Thanksgiving blog

gratitude Oct 07, 2018

I never really got it when Gary, Dain or anyone else would talk about receiving the gift of me.

Well, tomorrow is the Canadian Thanksgiving.

And being down in the States now, I almost forgot.  

But I got to chatting with my friend Maxine and the aromas of apple and turkey coming from her kitchen in Ontario stirred me, and it got me started musing about gratitude.

Gratitude has always and only ever been a concept to me until very recently.

I've done it and made the lists.

I've felt guilty for not being grateful.

I've sat around Thanksgiving dinner tables and said what I was grateful for.

But in truth, it always seemed like this key to a kingdom that I was just not destined to find, and sarcasm and cynicism became my basic favorite go-to's.

And then this year, I got to hang out with Stephanie.

That girl is grateful for sunrises, sunsets, doggies, and coffee.  But she's also grateful for lying! And discovering limitations! And small, ridiculous choices!

And as we spent more time, something started to stir and shift in me.

When I moved houses and changed house-mates, I got to see the polar opposite, and what no-gratitude does to a person.

Right in front of me, I got to see this kind, caring, gentle person being destroyed from having no tools, doing the best he could but eaten from the inside by the point of view that pretty much everything, except me, sucked.

I had a hard time with it at first.  I couldn't understand it.  And I had so many choices to make on a moment by moment basis.  Resist it.  React to it.  Align with it.  Agree with it. 

Or just.... receive it. Him. Allow it. Him.  Care about me.  Him. Receive the gift that he was and is even when he couldn't see or be any of it.

And those choices are changing me forever.  

This man and I got to a breaking point last night.

Where something I said tipped off something for him, and the way he handled it crossed a line for me.

No more, I said.  No more of this.

And I became willing for one of the first times ever to completely have my back - to completely trust my awareness.  To be completely the energy that would kill the limitation and the lie that, up to that moment, I'd made more real than me.

I didn't need him to change.  I just wasn't going to be having any more of 'that'.

And after toying with throwing it all away because of it, he came back upstairs, and we got into one of the most generative conversations that we've had.

Where each of us got to be more. 

Be more allowance. 
Be more kindness. 
Be more present. 
Be more aware.

He and I both woke up this morning soaked - washed - brimming with.... gratitude.

I've been asking to be all of me.

To be the killer that is willing to kill all limitations so that I can actually be the healer that I am.

To live fully exposed.

To no longer be suppressed but to live and be full-out.

To be willing to live the energy of what I'd like my life to be so that it can show up for me in totality.

To be, know, perceive and receive the infinite contribution I truly be.

I've been asking and getting what success really is for me.

And committing to the energy that I came here to be and create.

I've been looking at what I came here to fight for.  The energies I came here to advance in the world.  The thing I can't remember that is the complete and total priority for me.

I asked at the beginning of this year to really see how ask-and-receive worked for me. 

And for the universe to show me the greatness of me.  

In grand and glorious style, the universe has been delivering.

I don't know what you're asking for today.

If you're anything like I was, you may have forgotten to.

But I can tell you this - the more you're willing to receive you - the good you, the bad you, the ugly you - the you that you don't think you can receive because of how bad you think you are - 

The more beautiful your life will get.

If you'd like to change this for yourself, this is my gift to you:

30 x's a day for 30 days - out loud to yourself:

What would it take for me to be willing to live the energy of what I would like my life to be so that it could show up for me in totality?  And everything that doesn't allow it, and all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and no-sex I'm using to absolutely refuse and reject my life and the energy I'd like my life to be, I destroy and uncreate it all.  Right wrong good bad poc pod all nine shorts boys and beyonds.

The world is dying.

Would you be willing to put aside judging you for 30 days to discover deeply what it is you came here to create?

And to finally start to get - the gift of you?

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